Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident.

Did anyone else's mum say this to them? I always remember hearing it was something mothers said but can never quite remember being warned by my mother. Perhaps because she, you know, raised me to change my knickers every day like a normal person.


In any case, this phrase was rattling around my brain on the way home from work on Thursday. I have been feeling a little under the weather recently so I've been bringing a few home comforts to work with me. Namely, a loaf of fruit toast, soy spread (for said fruit toast) and caramelised onion hummus and sesame seed bread sticks. So, come home time, I crammed the hummus and soy spread into my now bulging handbag and made my way to the bus. Whilst on the bus, the driver had a near miss and we basically narrowly avoided a pile up. And I don't just mean a fender bender, I mean this:


 




And all I could think of was the fact that my handbag was filled with a vat of fake butter and humus. Oh God, they are going to find pieces of my broken body strewn all over the street COVERED in oniony, buttery lubricant. And that the news report (because, yes, I am that narcissistic and think, like every event in my life, this would make the news) would say;

"Unidentified (possibly vegan) female covers fellow passengers in butter and humus and blows up bus. Also, she was brown. 30 PEOPLE KILLED IN MICHAEL KORS HANDBAG BOMB INCIDENT." #whatdoesthismean #don'tlettheterroristswin

It was truly a don't forget to change your underwear moment.. Because, if these items were pants, they would be your old polka dot granny pants with holes in that children could use as fucking flags for their tents when they go camping.
And the rest of my crap pile didn't do me any favours either. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the contents of my handbag:

1 can of deodorant
1 tub of caramelised onion humus, half eaten
1 Marc by Marc Jacobs pocket book
7  used bus tickets
1 pink glittery pen
1 giant tub of soy spread
1 newspaper clipping of a funny looking fish I wanted to show Bob when I got home
10 receipts, all for food/chocolate
Unidentified crumbs
Hand sanitizer

Basically, it makes me look like that old lady at university that used to hand out illegible flyers on the bus and shout about the government at the top of her lungs... fucking NUTS.
Which makes me wonder whether you really can tell everything about a woman by the contents of her handbag. And whether, in the "Sliding Doors" version of my life, I should have slipped a note in there saying, "Please don't judge me.. I read books."


You must understand though, that the fish looked liked this:






Rarely these days is something in life so fantastic that a simple googling and showing your partner later will not suffice. This fish warrants the immediacy of being ripped out of the paper and being stuck on the fridge.. like a rude boobie magnet. Like your children's art.






2 comments

  1. Replies
    1. Why, thank you! I'm glad to hear I had an effect on you and your cheeks. Wait.. that sounds wrong

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