Bitches Be Crazy : Asian Spinsters and Your Wedding Day

Hello!!!
And a HAPPY NEW YEAR to one and all!




I trust you all had a glorious, glittering New Year's Eve? Of course you did, you fabulous creatures.
Right.. back to business.. I have decided to make it my new year's resolution to write more regularly. I do so much enjoy seeing that people are reading my ridiculous posts and will try my absolute best to get them  out more consistently this year.
With that said, I haven't posted since November so I shall press on:


So my dears...  as spectacular and beautiful as my wedding day was, a few things did go wrong. Namely, me throwing up, swooning then having to lie down in the dark for an hour while some of our guests left.. but that's a story for another day.

What I'd like to talk about today is my extended family. Now, some of you may have read " No no.. by all means, step over my cold, dead body and save yourself you HARPY", but for those that are unfamiliar, I shall briefly recap:

I have a a lot of older female cousins all of whom are unmarried. I am one of the youngest in the whole family and my wedding was in October 2013. I am also Pakistani, which means there is no pretending to be happy for you and trashing you later on behind your back; Asian culture (this means Pakistani & Indian in the UK not Oriental Asian like the US) is a great deal more upfront and unabashed than this. It is perfectly fine for a woman to have a problem with you and not hide it.
So, for the last year, in the lead up to my wedding, I have been met with a constant barrage of icy stares, shoving and jostling at family events and all manner of generally unhinged behaviour directed towards me.
Needless to say, as the inexplicable enemy #1, I have been avoiding family shindigs and staying out of dodge since Bob and I announced our engagement.

With all of this in mind, we anticipated some degree of obtuse behaviour at the wedding. What I did not expect however, was the front row tickets we all had to


Sour Puss and the Assholes: One Night Only 


I knew they were a little bitchy, and even a little difficult but I honestly thought that they would just suck it up and be happy for me given everything my family has gone through in the last few years. Not one of them congratulated my mother who was standing in for my late father all day. Not one of them told her she looked nice or even asked her how she was doing.
Rather, my lovely mummy had to approach them after the ceremony and ask them how they were and if they enjoyed it and one of my aunts simply replied with, "What does Bob do for a living again?". They had just watched us get married and that's all any of them could say (the rest were all playing with their phones, so I'm told).



All of my Mum's family, except three (my mum's youngest sister, her husband and their daughter), left either during or after the meal. Thankfully, Bob and I didn't notice on the day but it's not me I'm worried about. It's my mother. All of this affects her. Her brothers and sisters are so bitter about their children not being married yet that they would behave this way and make a very difficult day for a widow, even more stressful and upsetting.
To this day, none of them have even commented on her speech, how brave she was, how nice she looked..... anything at all. Rather they keep chugging along and pretending that the wedding has never happened at all.



When Bob and I went round to each table on the day, not one of my family said congratulations, told me I looked nice or said anything complimentary. Rather, the weird aunt who nearly pushed me off the stage at the last family wedding grabbed my hand and started eyeballing my engagement and wedding ring. That was all.... just gripping my hand while I was trying to thank other people for coming and staring and my ring. What a absolute weirdo.
To be fair, this was the same woman that called me on the day I got engaged and said, "Congratulations,  I can't wait to see the ring." so I suppose this wasn't a complete surprise. She then went on to call my mother the next day to inform her that her daughter was nearly engaged to someone at the BBC but it fell through at the last minute.

I can honestly say, I am so embarrassed to be related to this moron.




It's this whackjob and her manly daughters that are the worst. Both daughters showed up in white and apparently sat at their table all day without saying a word to anyone and plotting to leave during dessert. Also, all my work colleagues later saw them having a raving fight with one another and storming out of the wedding having made a scene (I was being flung up and down on a chair by some Jews at this point, so I was having a whale of a time oblivious to all these goings on).


But with all this hot, fresh batshit crazy afoot, I ask you Internet:
What ever happened to the days of slapping on a nice dress, some lipstick and a smile and just grinning and bearing it?? Is it so wrong to expect someone who doesn't like you for whatever reason to just fake it for a few hours??



God knows I didn't want them there as I knew they weren't well wishers and I strongly believe in only surrounding yourself with the positive. But it was equally as important to my Mum to be surrounded by her family and I would never refuse her.
What I can't get my head around though is that it must have been so exhausting to sit there and pout all day. Why waste all that energy being bitter and miserable? I bet if they just turned some of that effort inwards, they might be a little happier in their own lives and feel less of a need to hang their fog all over mine like an eggy fart. I have since found out that they were the laughing stock of the wedding as all our other guests were wondering why they could possibly be so sullen and miserable. I don't know why, but I think I feel sorry for them still.

I wish I could talk to them about it sometimes, but I have come to realise that it is just completely fruitless. They would hate me for trying to be diplomatic. Alas, there are just times in life Dear Reader, where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.... Especially with family.
There will always be family who are jealous and bitter and want to compete with you at every stage in your life and I have learnt that the best thing to do is just to take yourself out of the game (and stick them in the back of your big beautiful wedding near the toilets). This lady knows what she's talking about. Excellent advice indeed, I suggest you give it a read if you are in a similar predicament to mine.

This whole sour puss wedding debacle has really made me feel as though I would like to withdraw from my family's company from now on. I mean, can you imagine the reaction if I am the first one in the family to have a baby?? :/
I am seriously envisaging some angry Brown lady pushing me down a flight of stairs or "accidently" putting alcohol in my drink at the next gathering like some plotting bee-hived, bejewelled she devil in those dramatic Indian melodramas.





Everything is so fraught with DRAMA PEOPLE. WHAT IS SHE GOING TO DO ABOUT THE SARI?? ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN.
But seriously... this is exactly how some Pakistani and Indian women just fuck with each other.... because there's there is absolutely nothing better to do other than cover yourself in spangles and act like a complete axe wound.

And some of my mum's family are a diluted version of that crazy mother in law in that video... always up to something. It's a shame really, I rather hoped we would be like this:





When in reality, it's a bit more like this.


It's actually hilarious when you think about it. I have never before seen jealousy pushed so far that it implodes through its own asshole... it was quite the experience.









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4 comments

  1. I enjoyed reading your blog.

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    Replies
    1. Why, thank you. I enjoyed reading your comment x

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